Funny Survival Tips

Being lost in the wilderness is neither a walk in the park nor a funny situation to be in. But we have to say, too, that having a sense of humor will make a challenging situation better. You will be able to find the silver lining, keep a calm mind and even laugh about your predicament.

Your next step is to check the contents of your bag and pockets. Even a short length of the string has its uses. You may also find it funny in a weird way that you didn’t think of these uses before.

A Must-Read: How Do You Survive Doomsday?

Keep on reading about the funny, if weird and wacky, ways that you can use everyday things for wilderness survival. You may even want to keep these things in your bag and pockets at all times! You never know when you may need to start a fire during a summer barbecue.

Gather Water From The Ground

When you’re in the middle of nowhere, your first thought should be finding water. Most people will die from dehydration within three to four days of being deprived of water. Even if you’re in relatively good health, your body will still require water for near-optimal functioning.

Fortunately, there’s solar still to the rescue! You can make a solar still with whatever plastic or tarp you have on hand.

• Dig a small hole with the hole exposed to direct sunlight.
• Place a container, such as a cup or a bowl, in the center of the hole.
• Drape the piece of plastic or tarp over the hole and bowl. Make sure that the edges are covered up to at least a couple of inches outside.
• Secure the edges of the hole with rocks, branches or logs, whatever things are available.
• Place a small rock or pebble in the middle of the piece of plastic or tarp.

You have an upside-down pinnacle for water collection. When sunlight heats the plastic cover, the trapped air inside the plastic turns into moisture. The moisture then drips down from the plastic to the cup and voila! You have distilled water.

Tampons Are A Multitasking Item

Don’t think that tampons are only useful when a woman’s monthly visitor comes around! Even if you’re a man, you may want to bring a tampon or two when you’re hiking, fishing or just travelling.

Every tampon has four parts, each of which can be used in survival situations, namely:  A plastic tube, a string, a cotton wadding, and an airtight wrapper. Any brand of tampons, such as the o.b. Original Non-Applicator Tampons can be used.

First, use it as a fishing bobber, a useful tool when you’re catching fish in calm waters.

1. Open the wrapper but only at one end.
2. Take out the tampon and set it aside for other uses. 
3. Tie the end of the opened wrapper with the piece of string on the tampon. It will trap the bubble of air inside.
4. Tie the DIY bobber to your fishing line.

Second, use the cotton wadding as tinder when dry twigs, branches and other types of tinder aren’t readily available. Since cotton is flammable, it is used by survivalists to make fire.

Third, use the tube and cotton to make a DIY filter straw. Disassemble the tampon and stuff the cotton wadding into its plastic tube. You can use it as a straw to filter out dirt from water filled with sediment.

Of course, you can use the absorbent cotton as a DIY bandage for small scrapes, nicks and cuts. You will appreciate it, too, as protection against the blisters in your feet.

You should use unopened, unused tampons. You don’t want menstrual blood on your hands, literally.

Condoms Can Save Your Life (And We’re Not Joking)

Did you know that military survival kits also include condoms? It isn’t about the soldiers being sexually active during combat duty, but because condoms are multipurpose survivalist items! If you’re the type who can’t go out of the house without condoms in your pockets, you now have another excuse.

Condoms, even the thinner ones like Durex Condoms, Ultra Fine, can be used to find water, hunt for food and start a fire, also make a shelter. You need a little ingenuity to make them work to your advantage.

Keep in mind that condoms are watertight things as well as made of elastic materials that can expand in size by up to 5-10 times. These can be made into compact water containers with each condom able to carry as much as 2 liters of water if appropriately handled. 

Tip: Wrap a blown-up condom in a sock or shirt for added stability and protection against sharp objects.  Tie the end with a piece of smooth stick or the plastic tube on a tampon.

Condoms can also be used to protect dry tinder from water and moisture. Just place dry tinder inside a condom and safely stash it in your pocket for future use. Your life just got easier because it’s such a challenge to find dry tinder in humid conditions.

And then there’s also the fact that you can use condoms to make a slingshot for hunting small game! Just place three or more condoms inside each other, stuff cattail fuzz in it, and use duct tape to secure the bands on the slingshot frame.

You can also use condoms as a makeshift rope if actual rope and vines aren’t available. You can tie the ends of your tarp with two condoms stuffed inside each other and voila!

If you become injured, you can use condoms as DIY rubber gloves, too. You may even use it to cover wounds that can become infected if exposed for too long to the elements.

Conclusion

What do all these survival tips mean? You have to keep a few tampons and condoms, perhaps a half-box or so of these things, in your bag! Your survival may depend on your ingenious use of these feminine products and male birth control methods.

It’s funny how your life in survival situations can get down to these modern inventions, one of which signifies the absence of procreation and the other of which prevents it!

You can imagine these tips as the tip of the iceberg. So to increase your knowledge, you should read Bushcraft 101: A Field Guide to the Art of Wilderness Survival, a book that offers easy and helpful tips on surviving in the middle of nowhere.